This Weeks Coaching Session Question
A lot of us are home right now, and there is a lot of uncertainty surrounding that. Uncertainty can equal anxiety if we let it. Keyword, let. Meaning, we don’t have to let uncertainty equal anxiety or fear about the future. You are still completely capable and in control of what your future will look like. Maybe the world will be different. Maybe your circumstances will be different. But you are in control of what that really means for you. Each of us are dealing with different difficulties while being at home. Some of us have fallen into an unproductive slump, some that are working from home may find it hard to not be working all the time, some can’t stop eating, and others can’t stop drinking. We all have our thing. Welcome to this coaching session questions, find out what is keeping you stuck.
Let’s Talk About Giving Up
Let’s talk about a concept that I know so many of us are familiar with. Giving up. What does giving up really mean? Where does giving up come from? I think it definitely varies per person. I have spent A LOT of time thinking about this lately. For me personally, giving up comes out of fear (which can also come from a fight or flight mindset that I talk about here). Apparently. As I have discovered. Upon lots and lots of time to reflect lately, ha. So, I’ve done some of the leg work for you. Maybe you giving up doesn’t come from fear, but can that train of thought start to lead you down a thoughtful path?
Hopefully my discovery can help you make your own. Or maybe giving up is born out of fear for you as well. You just don’t know it yet. We’ll see. When you look back over your history of “giving up” or “giving in”, what does it look like? Can you find a pattern? For me, I tend to start a project or a goal guns blazing, raring to go, super excited. And it stays that way for a while. As it goes on, and it starts taking me longer than I thought or realized, I get bored. So many times I have started and then never finished a project or goal.
Weight loss being one of those things. Getting lost in the, it should have gone like this, is super easy for me. Unrealistic expectations is another go to of mine. That one is super fun. It allows me to have these expectations set, and then when they aren’t met, easily get frustrated and give up. Those are my main patterns. Having them identified is the first step. This can be difficult because you’re essentially saying to yourself, look at the things I fuck up. No one really likes doing that. I get it. Do it anyways.
What Lying To Yourself Is Really Doing
As I worked my way through that fun little gem, I actually felt a sense of relief. It was like I could stop pretending. There was no need to lie to myself any more. Being honest with yourself is one of the hardest things to do. You can lie to other people, and they may never know the real truth. But lying to yourself? Not really possible. You may trick yourself into believing it for a while, but you know that uncomfortable feeling of guilt that’s always hanging out in the back of your mind? Yeah, that’s cause you know you’re not being honest with yourself.
Start clearing out that uncomfortable feeling for a new uncomfortable feeling. Growth. This one is hard. And it gets harder. Let me tell you why this one is hard. Growth is unpredictable. It’s unknown. And that’s what makes it uncomfortable. But I can almost guarantee that you will feel better. I’m not saying it wont be scary. But it will feel better.
What Is The Good Uncomfortable, And What Is the Bad?
Here’s something that’s tricky. Our brains would rather be unhappy and comfortable, than happy and uncomfortable. Crazy right? Like, does that even make sense? It does, but it doesn’t. I know. So, what can you do about that? Well, first just accepting that fact, that being happy is a lot of the time going to equal being uncomfortable, is just part of the deal. How do you discern the two? The good uncomfortable from the bad uncomfortable?
First, having the bad uncomfortable has a different sensation in the body. You might feel exhausted from battling yourself constantly. Holding in that lie you’re telling yourself, that’s tough stuff. You’re not looking forward to your goal at all. Mostly because you know its either not something you really want, or because you’re not going after it wholeheartedly. Your overall energy will suffer. When it’s the good uncomfortable, you’ll have an overall sense of happy. Maybe a nervous happy, but it’s genuine. You look forward to the work ahead of you to reach your goal. There may be scary things you have to do, but fear will always be involved. And that’s okay. Leaning into that fear to push to the next level? That’s called bravery. She’s a bit of lil’ fucker, but she’s worth it. Your overall energy will feel clear and up-leveling.
What Does It Really Mean To Be Happy?
Humans loooove the familiar. We do not like the unfamiliar. Hard pass. It’s scary. It’s dark. There surely is imminent death involved. And why would we ever want to choose that? Well, first, we have evolved. We know better now. The unfamiliar does not equal certain death, it equals opportunity. It equals growth. Which circles back to our dear friend good uncomfortable. Hi there. Welcome back. I find it quite fascinating that our brains would rather us stay in an unhappy state and be comfortable, than be in a happy state and be uncomfortable.
Now, that last statement isn’t totally fair. In our brains, the whole being comfortable feeling is the happiness feeling. Our brains don’t exactly know that keeping us in that safe comfort zone is what’s making us miserable. She’s doing her best, okay? But you’ve gotta help her out. Coax her into that new season of happy by telling her that being good uncomfortable is the new happy. The happy that is sustainable.
Figure Out What Is Holding You Back
Knowing all of this, what can you do? How do you get through this thought work and to the other side? All right, I’m gonna lay it out. This is what I did to get myself to the point of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.
First you gotta reflect. I know, I know. When I say reflect you think like, some woo woo shit of sitting there cross legged in an open meadow and meditating and chanting ooohhhmm. No. (Ed Mylet has a great podcast on this topic) That is not what I mean. I use almost any opportunity I can to reflect. Lately I’ve been taking long walks and listening to podcasts. This is one of my favorite ways to reflect. Having someone help you open up your thoughts to pathways you may not have ever gone down… Powerful stuff. While you’re out driving. In the morning before you get out of bed. In the shower. While you’re doing chores around the house. Clearly my pattern is reflecting while my body is busy. That helps me really dial in.
Find Your Pattern
Okay, so now you’ve done your reflecting. It may not have been exactly pleasant, but that’s totally fine. Remember, we talked about recognizing our own shit habits, and that’s not what I call a party. But it’s necessary. So you did it. What did you find? This is where I recognized my pattern of starting a goal or project with gusto, and then petering out because it was “taking too long”, or my expectations didn’t match the actual process.
Attach An Emotion To The Pattern
Then I attached an emotion to that (emotions are hard. Read this post on the truth about feelings). I was predictably going to sabotage myself out of a goal or project based upon fear. I know that’s not exactly surprising, but I was surprised. Or maybe just intrigued that fear is so deeply primal. And why exactly fear? Fear of what? Fear of not being good enough? Fear of failure? Fear of impostor syndrome? Fear of actually succeeding? All legitimate fears, sure. But not reason enough to stop me from pushing through. Though getting caught up in it is easy to do, and once there, dear sweet brain loves to keep you safe. Fear is good. fear keeps you alive. Well, it did a long time ago. Now it’s keeping you from achieving. A decent amount of fear is necessary. Letting fear rule the roost? Nope.
Find The Lie That Is Holding You Back
Now we’re finding the lie. There usually is one. Its’ the lie that kept you in the safe but unhappy place. Your brain is doing her best, bless her. But now you know better. You’ve gotta get out of the complacency of the lie. Remember, our brains want us to be safe, which means comfort zone city. But we know that our comfort zone does not equal good uncomfortable. It will take some getting used to, but you’ve got this.
Coming To Terms With Your Comfort Zone
You’ve gotta get square with the fact that your comfort zone is the unhappy but comfortable place. That does not equal growth. What equals growth is the uncomfortable but happy place. Sounds totally contradictory, I know. But, deal with it. Get it right in your mind. We’re working towards the good uncomfortable and leaving the bad uncomfortable behind. It’s taken a lot of work to get to this point. Your comfort zone, although the name would suggest otherwise, is not a sustainable state. Sure, you can live there. But the lie will be in the back of your mind, and you will grow more bad uncomfortable as time goes on. Over time it’s easy to get lost in this. It get’s harder and harder to find your way back to the surface of goal thinking. The soul becomes exhausted of this. This step will be the hardest. However it will be the most worth it.
Coaching Questions: Time For Some Homework
Wow. That was a lot. But a coaching session so many of us need. Here’s your homework. Write down each of these steps. Go through them one by one. Take your time and really dig into this. Even if you find yourself to be in a good place, a little refresher is never a bad idea. Comment below or email me and let’s talk about it. I’m here for all the questions to help you move through this, so you can move forward. Let’s do this.
Let me know in the comments below, or email me, what you would like the next coaching session blog post to be about!
*Quick reminder. The advice given in this post, or any other post on this website, does not constitute as medical advice. I am not a doctor or a licensed therapist. I am here to offer life coaching and thought work coaching advice, but, unless you have hired me, I am not your life coach or thought work coach.*