So if you're on my email list, then you've been getting the Taylor Swift songs that I've been putting my own words to. I do this fun thing where I give you the writing/poem, whatever you want to call it, but don't tell you what song it is, until the following weeks newsletter email. Its so fun. For me. ANYWAYS. I then thought to myself, self, why don't we publish the original writing I had done, on the blog?! Just a little fun behind the scenes thing I guess, for you to see the original writing I pulled from, to how it landed in final form. If that's your thing.

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Hope you enjoy! (and if you don't, fuck you.)

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I dont have a bad guy in my story, I am the bad guy.

Even the people that show up as bad guys in my life, are there because I put them there. I allowed them to stay. To treat me in a way that I had always been used to, even if it was bad. It was familiar. Safe but unsafe. Safe but permanently scarring. Cutting open, a new scar the longer they stay, taking it longer to heal. So I’m not mad at this person or that. I’m mad at myself.

I dont ask how they could treat me that way, I ask why I let them treat me that way for so long. I allowed empathy for the bad guy to replace common sense. I had no common sense, it was gaslit out of me. Trained out of me. Tortured out of me. Silently take from me. Building it back brick by crick is painful. The mortar is my tears laced with the stain of her memory. So painfully aware but blind to the nose on my face. Another mask tried on, another hat worn, but neither fit. And my choices are the castle crumblin in someone else's story.

The princess was really a witch, a mad woman, dancing between personas, the cracks of light burning her skiing but the darkness fixing it again. Her darkness spread to others, she didn't

mean it. She didn’t want it. Their pain was her pain, a weight that kept her at the bottom of the well. Clinging to the smooth sides, grasping for the rope to pull herself up. Another burn, more darkness. You want me to pay forever, and I sometimes think you’re right. I’ll wear the A but then remember I am the villain and I get to choose.

The insecurity fades to pain fades to scabs fade to scars. The sting of shame can sometimes remain, but I know how to treat the burn now. Your words once like acid, peeling off the raw layers, now hollow and echoing in the chamber of our lost dreams. It wasn’t all bad, you see. But not right for me. It killed me quietly and I’m so sorry. But I’m moving on. Leaving you the way I should’ve left you when I found you. Its not my fault you needed me to be your light. I truly wish you success, but thats where our story ends. You loved me, I thought I loved you, now we’re through, and though I was blue for a bit, I do admit, you showed me I was right. Our monsters played well together but now I’m ready to stop hiding.

Ripping me in two, these monsters still spew their righteous bidding, gleefully lovingly watching me decay. But I trained these monsters, so now they're tame, only keeping me in check when it starts to feel the same. I’ll let you keep the hate, I’ll take the uncertainty, and find the ting I’ve always been looking for: me. 

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It's funny because on this one in particular, I used a small portion of the original writing. On some of these, I found a flow using Taylor's words to inspire my own to mix with the writing I was pulling from. Does that make sense? hahaha

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This writing is set to The Great War by Taylor Swift.

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Ok cool, byeeeee.